Lufthansa Airlines                                                        

 Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the         

 captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have      

 lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".  

 The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were  

 somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.                    

 "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an          

 emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that      

 all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the        

 swimmers are on the right side of the plane.                              

 After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to    

 comply with the captain's request.                                        

 Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The      

 captain once again made an announcement:                                  

 "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the           

 swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and     

 quickly swim away from the plane.                                         

 For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You for   

 Flying Lufthansa- ".                                                      

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------  

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----    

 Delta Airlines                                                            

 At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding        

 announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address     

 system saying,                                                            

 "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board      

 from Gate 41."                                                            

 So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.         

 Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570    

 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our          

 carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.                       

 Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You  

 for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."                   

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------  

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----     

 British Airways                                                           

 "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to      

 welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London .    

 We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the      

 Atlantic."                                                                

 "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,    

 you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.             

 "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that   

 the port wing has fallen off."                                            

 "If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little       

 yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your    

 captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses"